Jewish Jokes

Great traditional Jewish jokes.

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The Top Hat

Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strols in.
"Why are you sitting here naked?"
"It's all right," says Schwartz. "Nobody comes to visit."
"But why the hat?"
"Maybe somebody will come."

You Don't Look Jewish

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. "Excuse me," she said, "but are you Jewish?"
"No," replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. "Excuse me," she said again, "are you sure you're not Jewish?"
"I'm sure," said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. "Are you absolutely sure you're not Jewish?" she asked?
"All right, all right," the man said. "You win. I'm Jewish."
"That's funny," said the woman." You don't look Jewish."

Rain in Chelm

Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
"Quick," said one. "Open your umbrella."
"It won't help," said his friend. "My umbrella is full of holes."
"Then why did you bring it?"
"I didn't think it would rain!"

The Riddle

A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: "What's purple, hangs on the wall, and whistles?"
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
"A white fish?" people said. "A white fish isn't purple."
"Nu," replied the jokester, "this white fish was painted purple."
"But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?"
"Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall."
"But a white fish doesn't whistle," somebody shouted.
"Nu, so it doesn't whistle."

Our Luck

Two Jews sat in a coffeehouse, discussing the fate of their people.
"How miserable is our history," said one. "Pogroms, plagues, discrimination, Hitler, Neo-Nazis…Sometimes I think we'd be better off if we'd never been born."
"Sure," said his friend." But who has that much luck--maybe one in fifty thousand?"

Hoodlums

Two Jews are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
"David," say his friend, "we better get out of here. There are two of them and we're alone!"

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