Alternative Bar and Bat Mitzvah Ceremonies

How to have a meaningful ceremony when you don't belong to a synagogue.


Belonging to a synagogue and attending Hebrew School are not prerequisites for celebrating a bar or bat mitzvah. And we don’t just mean having a fun party. Here are some guidelines for planning a meaningful coming-of-age event with ritual and educational components for families without strong ties to the organized Jewish community. And feel free to add your suggestions, questions, and ideas in the comments section at the end.

Think About Content

Your child becomes a bar/bat mitzvah simply by turning 13 (or 12, in some communities). There are no particular ritual obligations, and though chanting Torah or haftarah is customary, it may not be the best choice for your family. Bar/bat mitzvah youngsters can learn to lead a havdalah service, for instance. They can complete a course of study and teach on a Jewish topic that is meaningful to them. They can present some other personalized capstone project—perhaps something artistically creative—related to Jewish learning or action. Or they may have another idea altogether.

Find a Tutor

In most North American cities, it is possible to hire a freelance rabbi or educator to prepare your child for a bar/bat mitzvah. Some tutors offer crash courses in Hebrew reading and cantillation, which would be appropriate if your child seeks a leadership role at a prayer service. Some may help plan and officiate at a bar/bat mitzvah service, others teach more of an intro to Judaism course, while still others like to explore a particular area of Torah, often choosing a topic that matches the bar/bat mitzvah child’s interests. Many tutors will help your child prepare a speech or project to reflect their learning.

Try searching the Internet to find tutors in your community, though be sure to check references and seek word-of-mouth recommendations as well.

Think About Timing

If you choose to organize a prayer service and you want your child to read from the Torah, consider services at various times during the week. Saturday morning liturgy—while customary for bar/bat mitzvahs—can be lengthy and dense. Morning services on Mondays or Thursdays are more compact, and still include Torah reading. Similarly, the afternoon service (Mincha) on Shabbat is becoming increasingly popular for bar/bat mitzvahs. It is concise, includes Torah reading, and can segue nicely into a Saturday night party. Rosh Chodesh morning services also include Torah reading. Check the Jewish calendar to find out when Rosh Chodesh falls each month.

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