Against New Fruit

Is it just me, or is the new fruit custom on the second night of Rosh Hashanah one of the most overrated Jewish holiday rituals we have?

When you first hear about it, it sounds like a really fun, original custom. No more grapefruit, bananas and oranges for me. Tonight, I get to eat a fruit from a cactus!

Then you realize something. There must be a reason why I don’t eat these weird fruits during the rest of the year. Because they suck. I mean, that’s harsh. They don’t actually suck. Just in comparison to normal fruit, they suck.

Why would I want to eat a tart, prickly, and dry fruit when I can bite into a nice juicy granny smith?

Here is a list of just some of the fruit I’d rather eat tomorrow night than the fig and pomegranate that I will actually eat:

Apples, oranges, raspberries, blueberries, cherries, grapes, grapefruit, kiwi, lemon and/or lime, peach, plum, nectarine, mango, papaya, apples again, strawberries, snozberries, and apples.

Note: I will not eat a banana. They are gross and I refuse to accept any argument that tries to convince me otherwise. Fruit shouldn’t make you more thirsty. I don’t care how much potassium it has.

Okay, back to the new fruit. All I’m saying here is that the whole point of these Rosh Hashanah customs is to signify bringing in a happy new year. So why should we be starting off our new year with fruit that we know nothing about?

I’d much rather bring in the new year with a reminder of all the great things that happened to me this past year. Replace this new fruit business with a slideshow of all the great memories and accomplishments I’ve had and play The Graduation Song and Time of Your Life.

Done. Rosh Hashanah is the new last night of camp.