Jon+Hailey+8 (part time) + 8 Days to a Bris=Chai?

One of my many pet peeves is celebrities who take up Judaism like it’s a hobby. Let’s review, people: Judaism is a RELIGION. If you need something to do in your spare time try jigsaw puzzles, or taxidermy, or curling. Judaism is about providing meaning to your life, and a connection to your history. It’s not about loving Zabar’s.jon_gosselin_engaged_to_hailey_glassman.jpg

Apparently Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 (anyone else think it should be called Jon+4 and Kate+4 now?) lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan these days, so perhaps I’ll have a chance to explain all to his face. Because he seems to be really really confused about what Judaism’s all about. Check out these head-scratchers from his latest interview at Parentdish.  (I can’t be positive, but my guess is these make a lot more sense if you’ve been guzzling the Manischewitz…)

On Celebrating Jewish Holidays:
“This is the first year I will celebrate Chanukah. Hailey is Jewish. Everyone in my life is Jewish now, my attorney. I love it. I’m now half Jewish and half Korean. The family values are great… I just went through Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur and learned about the new year and every Friday is the Shabbat dinner. I love challah bread. I’m learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar’s. I love that place. I’m learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself. Hailey makes fun of me. My mom came to the city on Yom Kippur and asked where all the traffic was. I got from the West Side to Midtown in five minutes. She wants to come to the city every year on Yom Kippur.”

On Converting:
I talked to Rabbi Shmuley a couple of times. He has nine kids. I was really nervous dating a Jewish girl. She’s like the best girl ever. All my friends are like ‘I’m so jealous’ and I’m like, ‘Stay away, she’s mine.’ She’s the rock of my life.

On Therapy:
I have a therapist. But hanging around Jewish people you don’t need to talk to anyone else. My parents and grandparents are divorced and I want to break the pattern. I have Hailey and Mark Heller, my attorney, my therapist. They’re all Jewish. I watch them and I confide in them, especially Hailey. She is my best friend. She’ll tell me if I do something wrong. God has put these people in my life for a reason. My inner circle is Jewish. I only care what they think.

Since you care so much about what Jews think, Jon, can I, as a Jew, let you in on a little Jewish wisdom? You sound like a complete whack-a-doo, and we don’t need any more of those in our people.

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