Secret disclosure #481516: I like to collect evangelical Christian tractates.
Since I’ve become a parent and gotten a regular gig — and, thus, I’m out on the street less during the daytime — my supply has become scarcer. But today, when our new babysitter didn’t show up, forcing me to spend the day with my daughter (thanks, new babysitter!), I took her on a walk through our neighborhood, which is half Hasidic Jews and half Jamaican Baptist churches. And, wouldn’t you know it, but they have special pamphlets printed up just for us.
That’s just the first page. From the climactic last line — “You must have blood, Blood, Blood!” — you’d think it’s going to dovetail into that blood libel trash, or, perhaps, a treatise on Protocols of the Elders of Zion. But, no! That would be ignorant — on a level of pure market-research, anyway. Remember, they’re trying to sell Christianity to Jews.
So, not to spoil the surprise, but I’m going to. The old man goes on a bizarre side passage to note how the Temple was destroyed, and a mosque erected in its place, and how unjust that is, and how holy blood can only be spilled in one place — that’s right, exactly where Jesus spilt it. And that’s why we shouldn’t bother with the ram’s horn and the Matzoth (sic, duh).
Which might sound well and good, but it seems like a self-defeating prophecy. Plus, if the ram’s horn’s no good, why is that the only illustration in the whole damn booklet?
Oh, well. They can’t all be as cool as “Where Is Rabbi Waxman?”
So now I’ve got a brand new evangelical tractate (with a picture of a fat stereotypical Jewish dude on the cover, bonus). I might have stuck it with my old Chick comics, except that my mom threw them all away when I went to college. I could start a new collection — but, nah, our apartment’s too small. Or I could just give it to my baby to play with and, most likely, eat…but that’s probably not a good idea, either. You never know what the Christians are using to make that red ink.
Pronounced: khah-SID-ik, Origin: Hebrew, a stream within ultra-Orthodox Judaism that grew out of an 18th-century mystical revival movement.