Planning a Bar/Bat Mitzvah When the Parents Are Divorced

Divorced parents must rise above their own differences and make the day special for the child.

Print this page Print this page

This article originally appeared in the Baltimore Jewish Times. Reprinted with permission from

Planning what should be a joyous occasion when parents are divorced can be no laughing matter. "If I have to make one point, I'd make this in big, bold letters," says child psychologist Dr. Richard Ottenstein. "It's that this is a special occasion for the child." It's important that both parents support their child. "Be flexible," he advises, "and set your differences aside so that you can set up the system in the way that works best for everyone involved."

"There are so many variables," Ottenstein continues. "Do both parents want the occasion equally; is one paying the entire cost or are the expenses being shared; can both parents invite family and friends or is one dominating the event?"divorced family

"Planning for this long-awaited bar or bat mitzvah brings with it much anxiety and panic," says Joan Kristall, director of the Baltimore Jewish Family Services' Program for Families of Separation, Divorce, and Remarriage. "Old anger is fueled; sadness reawakened; and the battle is once again staged with the adolescent being pulled and forced to stand loyal with one or the other parent."

In addition to the nervousness felt at being able to competently chant their Torah portion, teenagers often feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety regarding their parents' ability to "behave themselves" in public.

To make this special occasion a joyous one--and as stress-free as possible--for all concerned, Kristall offers these following tips:

- Recognize that this simcha (joy) belongs to your child. All planning needs to be made in the very best interests of the child.

- Rise above your differences and remember your child loves both of you. Do not put him or her in a position of choosing.

- You, as parents, may experience intense feelings of sadness or anger as you plan this event; do not use your child as a confidante. He or she is too emotionally involved. Reach out to close friends or family or seek professional support.

- Involve your child in the planning; take his or her ideas into consideration.

- When deciding upon the giving of synagogue honors, do so with your child's interests in mind. Do not make your decision based upon legal or emotional criteria. Ask your rabbi for help.

- Above all, be a mensch (kind and generous person) and behave in a way that reflects the traits you want your son or daughter to emulate. Remember, you're in charge of yourself.

- Create a day of true simcha as a gift of love to your family, your child, and yourself.

To that end, Tom, a divorced dad, and his ex-wife will divide the cost of the upcoming celebration, and they have worked together to plan the event, from choosing the invitations, to selecting the menu, to deciding on the musical entertainment at the reception following the service.

Did you like this article?  MyJewishLearning is a not-for-profit organization.

Please consider making a donation today.

Carol Sorgen

Carol Sorgen is a freelance writer in Baltimore, Maryland. Her articles appear in newspapers and magazines across the country, as well as on numerous websites.