What if Ariel Sharon Woke Up?

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I just got emailed this dialogue that sums up the current state of Israeli politics:

It is a rainy night, and we are at Tel HaShomer Hospital. Only one orderly is around. He is on night duty tonight in the room of the “sleeping” former Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon. Everyone but Sharon himself knows that he is no longer the Prime Minister of Israel.

The orderly is sitting, peeling an apple; and G, the Israeli Secret Service (Shabak) agent, is nodding off.

Suddenly, all of the machines start to beep. The PM is waking up!

Sharon says, “I haven’t slept like that for a long time! Get me my strategist, Reuven Adler. I have some ideas for a new direction.”

The orderly says, “Good morning, sir. How do you feel?”

Sharon answers, “I am dying of hunger. Where am I?”

The Shabak agent continues to sleep, while the orderly explains to Sharon what had happened to him.

Sharon does not take him seriously and says, “So tonight you fooled with the PM, eh?”

The orderly says, “Sorry, sir; but you are really no longer the PM.”

After a few minutes, Sharon asks, “So who replaced me?”

The orderly answers, “Ehud Olmert.”

Sharon reacts, “Olmert? What will happen if war breaks out? He does not know how to run the army! At least, Shaul Mofaz is still there!”

The orderly answers, “Mofaz is the Minister of Transportation.”

“So who is the Defense Minister?”

The orderly says, “Peretz.”

“That old man is still alive?!” asks Sharon in wonderment.

The orderly whispers, trembling, “Not Peres. Peretz, Amir Peretz.”

“What? Are you crazy? I close my eyes for a minute, and you guys let a Labor leader take over the defense of the country? Not all the factories in Dimona are the same. Does he know that? Listen, get Omri here right away. He will fix everything.”

“Sorry, sir; Omri is on his way to jail.”

“My son in jail? For that nonsense? I can’t believe it. So get me my lawyer quickly. Get Klagsbald.”

The orderly responds, “Klagsbald is on his way to jail.”

Sharon calms down and says, “I knew I could count on Klagsbald. He will get Omri out of it.”

The orderly corrects him and says, “No, sir. Klagsbald is also on his way to serve time in jail. He was driving and not paying attention and caused an accident, unintentionally hitting a car and killing a young woman, who was on her way to an Olympic career, and her son.”

Sharon said, “So bring me Avigdor Yitzchaki. He always knows how to fix these situations.”

“Sorry, sir. Yitzchaki is under his own investigation for tax fraud. He fixed things too much this time.”

“Can’t be. I know Yitzchaki. They must be framing him. So get me the Head of Police.”

“Sorry, sir, but Karadi is under investigation for corruption.”

“Of course, he is. He is the head of police. I am sure he is in the middle of a number of investigations!”

“No, sir. This is an investigation against him!. And now he’s had to resign.”

Sharon takes a deep breath. “It can’t be. The whole justice system has been ruined! We must get them out of this. Get me the Minister of Internal Security, Tzachi Hanegbi.”

“Sir, Hanegbi has been indicted for fraud, bribery, and job fixing. He is not a minister anymore.”

“So get me the Justice Minister. Whom did Olmert appoint?”

“Chaim Ramon.”

“So get him here!”

“Sorry sir. I can’t. He resigned in the wake of accusations of sexual misconduct. At trial, he was found guilty.”

“What? So get me the President. That is still Katzav, right?”

“Sorry sir, but Katzav may be indicted for rape. Though still technically President, he has returned to his private home in Kiryat Malachi.”

“So get me the Chief of Staff, Boogie (Moshe Ayalon). Sorry, I mean Halutz, right?”

“Sir, he got into some trouble in the Lebanon War. Nothing criminal. He sold some stocks on the eve of the war. But he resigned, too.”

“Halutz? He was a young Piper pilot during the Lebanon War!”

“Sir, that would be the Second Lebanon War. It happened while you were sleeping. We lost the war, but the Prime Minister said we should be patient. Victory is coming.”

Sharon looked around his room. “Who are you? What is your position?

“I am a hospital orderly, sir.”

“OK. Do not tell anyone about this conversation.”

“You can count on me, sir.”

“I’m going back to sleep.”

Posted on March 20, 2007

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