On March 25, a St. Louis man named Alek Krautmann innocently tweeted a picture of sliced bagels.
Kruatmann wrote, “Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!”
He shared a photo:
Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! pic.twitter.com/XNGbljtpYz
— Alek Krautmann (@AlekKrautmann) March 26, 2019
Twitter, subsequently, had a meltdown. It seems the unusual way of slicing beloved bagels is not quite “a hit” with the rest of the world. We’re rounding up our favorite tweets on the matter.
1. These bagels are a violation:
This is a violation of all that is good and holy in this world. https://t.co/0s7rqbA925
— Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg (@TheRaDR) March 27, 2019
2. It’s a crime!
Officer, I would like to report a crime. https://t.co/s4oFU1dNW7
— Dan Primack (@danprimack) March 27, 2019
3. Deeply upsetting to the Jews.
This is deeply upsetting to my people. https://t.co/AXWdJOovFk
— marisa kabas (@MarisaKabas) March 27, 2019
4. Eat it normally!!!
Who are you monsters who can't eat a bagel normally? https://t.co/58BNrMFJC2
— Mookie Alexander (@mookiealexander) March 27, 2019
5. Olympic athlete Gus Kenworthy called it anti-Semitism:
this is anti-Semitism
— Gus Kenworthy (@guskenworthy) March 27, 2019
Me: I'd like to report an antisemitism@ADL: …what
Me: It's about bagels
Me: they sliced them like bread
ADL: Dear god. https://t.co/Clx2Ky9tgK
— Alex (@Wonko_the_sane_) March 27, 2019
7. An emergency.
call 911 https://t.co/I4TVDcqN2l
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) March 27, 2019
8. Is St. Louis just weird?
i imagine St. Louis as a city that takes every food and alters it 37% in defiance of the laws of gods and men. pizza? square crackers with weird cheese. bagels? sliced like bread. tacos? cod on top of matzah. sushi are pigs-in-blankets. they throw fries in a blender and drink it
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) March 27, 2019
9. A Larry David gif always fits:
— Thug Kitchen (@thugkitchen) March 27, 2019
10. …Are they even bagels, really?
1. If you didn’t buy them in New York City or New Jersey, those are not bagels.
2. I’m reporting you to my rabbi.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 27, 2019
11. A tragedy!
My great great grandfather didn’t leave the shtetl to become a barber in St. Louis (and get stabbed for sleeping with another mans wife) for this tragedy of midwestern Jewry to happen 100 years later!
— Jason Goldman (@goldman) March 27, 2019
(This one also notes the bagels are from Panera, which is owned by the German family that was just revealed to have Nazi ties. Cool.)
12. Will Jews ever be OK?
Will my people's suffering never cease? https://t.co/thIzmRMPpj
— Rafi Letzter (@RafiLetzter) March 27, 2019
13. Bye, St. Louis!
We regret to inform you that St. Louis is cancelled. https://t.co/XSlhL1sN2G
— בנימן טבלוב | Benjamin (@bentev28) March 27, 2019
But ultimately, we now have the best insult, courtesy of comedian Orli Matlow: “You’re the worst thing since sliced bagels.”