The Jewish year — 5779 — is almost over and we’ve already had five bagel scandals that shook us to our core: that terrible bagel emoji, Ice T having never eaten a bagel, and “Nazi” bagels, to name a few. And now, there’s another #bagelgate to add to the list.
In one of the worst (or best) marketing stunts ever pulled, Philadelphia Cream Cheese is selling a limited-edition contraption that punches a hole into any food to turn it into a “bagel” — AKA, a hole puncher. The offensive tool is called “Bagel That” and it’s already sold out on Amazon.
“People love spreading Philadelphia Cream Cheese on bagels, but what happens if you’re craving Philly and don’t have a bagel?” said Associate Director of Marketing Megan Magnuson in a statement. “We created a device to transform other food items into a bagels. Have toast? Bagel That. A waffle? Bagel That. Even a tortilla? Bagel That too.”
Sorry, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, but this isn’t an episode of Portlandia where you can just “put a bird on it” and call it a day. Bagels are a precious food, after all. Needless to say, Twitter — especially Jewish Twitter — was NOT having it.
Here are some of Twitter’s best reactions to the latest, most scandalous #bagelgate.
1. The difference between Jews and Jews for Jesus:
Jews Jews for Jesus pic.twitter.com/JERuTWLdQs
— Communist Mensch (@jewcommie) September 18, 2019
2. Mmmm, bagel steak.
The rest of the internet, crying into a pillow: "You can't just put a hole in something and call it a bagel."
Philadelphia, punching a hole into a steak: "That's a bagel."
— Soy Orbison (@Sh1n0b1wan) September 18, 2019
3. Throwing major shade:
You can shove “anything with a hole in it is a bagel” up your bagel https://t.co/Dm3rTO1fp4
— Sara Gibbs (@Sara_Rose_G) September 18, 2019
4. Even the Pennsylvania Treasury chimed in!
Do they realize you can just put their spread on any item of food without using a hole puncher on it? https://t.co/fDVVmgzYX3
— Pennsylvania Treasury (@PATreasury) September 17, 2019
5. He has a point…
God, whoever is the ad exec who realized if they punch a hole in bread and call is a bagel then every Jew on earth would ironically rage retweet their ad deserves a raise.
— Bunny Sparber (@maxsparber) September 18, 2019
6. Call Me By My Bagel
You put a hole in someones head i bet u gon call em a bagel too
— 5ive 7even (@chasonthesun) September 18, 2019
7. The ADL is on it (not really).
[Me frantically dialing the phone]@ADL: what this time
Me: [catches breath]
Me: THEY'RE LITERALLY PUNCHING A HOLE IN BREAD AND CALLING IT A BAGEL
[deep sigh on the line]
ADL: we're on it https://t.co/bez59ukqsP
— Alex (@JewishWonk) September 18, 2019
8. At least Jews can agree on one thing
Unlike Israel, all Jews can rally around the cause of Being Horrified By People Calling Any Food With a Hole a Bagel. It unites us all.
— Jessica Fleitman (@FleitWrite) September 18, 2019