jeff bagel

Jeff Goldblum Doesn’t Know How to Eat a Bagel, the Horror!

This is a bagel shanda.

Your premiere Jewish food news outlet has some devastating news to share: Jeff Goldblum doesn’t know how to eat a bagel.

Horrifying, we know.

It was writer Tess Korman of Delish who first pointed out this travesty. The fact that the beloved Jewish sexpot and actor doesn’t know how to properly bite into the holy grail of Jewish food is a tough pill to swallow. Let’s dive in, shall we?

In a commercial that aired back in April for Apartments.com, the The Fly actor is seen taking a big ol’ bite out of a whole bagel as if it were a crunchy apple. The horror!

Dressed in a black turtleneck and suit jacket, Goldblum plays the part of Brad Bellflower, the “inventor of the Apartminternet.” Frankly, the commercial’s plotline doesn’t interest us. What does matter, however, is the split second where Goldblum nonchalantly takes a mouthful of a plain, presumably untoasted, unsliced, and un-schmeared bagel.

“The man responsible for 95 percent of our collective sexual awakenings is biting directly into a bagel, which is arguable the only incorrect way to do it,” Korman writes. Amen, sister.

Why is this troublesome? Because WHO EATS AN UNSLICED BAGEL WITHOUT SCHMEAR!? Goldblum has dishonored his ancestors, and honestly, it’s a big fat shanda.

“When you bite into an unsliced bagel, you purposely disregard the perfected crust-to-fluff ratio the center of a bagel allows you,” Korman said. “When you bite into an unsliced bagel, you have f*cked it all up.”

But, as Korman points out, perhaps Goldblum is merely playing the part of Brad Bellflower, a tasteless buffoon: “Is Brad a carb-hating narcissist who takes ironic pleasure in taunting people without carbs currently in hand??”

On the other hand, maybe Goldblum just really doesn’t know how to handle the delicacy.

In any event, Korman and us here at the Nosher are appalled by this commercial, and we demand an explanation. After all, we really don’t want Goldblum to land on our list of notorious bagel scandals.  

Jeff Goldblum could not be reached for comment at this time.

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