When
A Loved One Dies
A Practical Guide to Preparations for Jewish Burial and Mourning
By Rabbi Rachel L. Miller
While no one is ever fully emotionally prepared to say a
final good-bye to a loved one, one can learn what to do when planning a Jewish
funeral. Learning these details
(particularly, before they are necessary) can make this painful time less
confusing. The traditional timeframe
for a Jewish burial is quite brief. In
North America, burial usually occurs within three days of the death. Due to this whirlwind of activity, it is
helpful for mourners know what to expect from centuries-old Jewish burial and
mourning practices.
When a Jewish person passes away, the first task is to
inform the Hevra Kadisha ("Holy Committee" or burial society, who
will quickly send representatives to gather the body. A hospital, care facility, synagogue, or rabbi should be able to
help you contact this organization. A
representative of the Hevra Kadisha may ask if there is someone available to
stay with the body until they arrive. A
dead person should not be left alone until their burial. A shomer, or guard, will watch over
the body, often while reciting psalms.
Although a family member may be willing to serve this role, it is not
necessary that the shomer (or shomeret, if a woman) know the
deceased person (though it is often considered best if they are Jewish).
Most often, the Hevra Kadisha will arrange for transporting
the body of a dead person. Depending on
the local situation, the Hevra Kadisha will either conduct its work at its own
facility or at a funeral home. Trained
volunteers will bathe and dress the body with extreme care and respect. According to Jewish law, no natural or
chemical agents will be used to preserve the body. A traditional burial will also include dressing the body in a
plain white shroud and an untreated wooden coffin. Other than the shroud, the only item that may be buried along
with the dead person is a talit (prayer shawl) with one of its corner
fringes cut. These rules enable a
natural returning of the body to the earth and emphasize the irrelevance of
wealth and stature in death.
Larger Jewish communities may have separate burial societies
for each synagogue or Jewish denomination (Reform, Conservative,
Orthodox). In such a situation, each Hevra
Kadisha will have a slightly different approach to the laws and customs
connected to body preparation and burial.
For example, one Hevra Kadisha may allow the body to be dressed in
clothing rather than a simple shroud.
For families to whom this is important, one may consider working with
that Hevra. Choose the organization
that best matches your family’s preferences.
There may not be a burial society in your home town. A burial society is one of the primary
institutions of Jewish community.
However, not all Jews live in established Jewish communities. In some areas, there may be a set protocol
by which Jewish funerals are arranged, even if there is no official burial
society. Jewish burials in such areas
may be arranged by local Jewish families, sometimes through a synagogue. In other places, it may be best to call the
closest synagogue or Jewish Federation—whether it is in the nearest major city
or a neighboring state.
Before the Funeral: A Period of Preparation
Though recognizing that an individual’s impact extends
beyond their closest family, the Jewish definition of a mourner includes only
first-degree relatives—parents, children, siblings, and spouses. These are the people bound to the
obligations of mourners under Jewish law.
The period of mourning does not officially begin until the coffin of the
departed family member is lowered to the ground and covered with dirt.
The time preceding the funeral (called "aninut") is often the most difficult
for mourners. On the one hand, they are
not yet in the period of formal mourning; on the other hand, they are already
grieving. Friends and family members
must be notified. Funeral details must
be worked out, if they have not been prearranged.
Funerals are usually arranged by families in consultation
with the Hevra Kadisha and a rabbi, as well as a funeral home and/or
cemetery. In some places, the Hevra
Kadisha, funeral home, and Jewish cemetery may be integrated; even when this is
not the case, the three organizations generally communicate well with one
another.
Jews are usually buried either in a specifically Jewish
cemetery or in a part of the general community cemetery designated for Jewish
use. If it is necessary to choose a
funeral plot, it is frequently best to consider if there is a cemetery which
has been used for other family members.
It may even be possible to find an available plot for the deceased near
the graves of loved ones.
A funeral officiant (usually a rabbi or cantor) must be
scheduled and met. This officiant does
not need to be someone who knew the deceased person, although this is preferred
by most families. Most often, the
officiant is a rabbi who either leads a synagogue where the deceased person was
a member or the synagogue of other family members. For those without a connection to a synagogue will find
frequently that the funeral home will have a list of potential officiants who
serve unaffiliated families at their time of grief.
Usually, the rabbi (or other officiant) will both lead the
funeral prayers and deliver a eulogy. In
order to prepare for these tasks, the rabbi will generally meet with family
members before the funeral, either in their own home or at the synagogue. The rabbi will want family members to
provide an accurate picture of the deceased person and the lessons that may be
learned from that person’s life. Also,
family members will sometimes assist in the selection of readings for the
service.
Due to the brevity of the period leading up to a Jewish
burial, transportation can be particularly stressful for family and friends who
must travel from out-of-town for a funeral.
Airfares can be excessive, and "bereavement" fares rarely
involve significant discounts. It is
not uncommon to find that better rates are available through the Internet. In a best-case scenario, one or more family
members (or family friends) may have frequent-flyer rewards allowing for free
travel at short notice.
Arranging for a Traditional Meal after the Funeral
Many families, including some who are not observing Shiva,
welcome visitors at the family home after the funeral service for a traditional
meal, called a "seudat havra’ah" (meal of consolation). This meal is mostly intended for the
mourners, who may feel too saddened to eat if left alone. The community is present to provide the food
for the mourners, encourage them to take care of their own needs, and usher
mourners into a new stage in their lives.
This is also a time in which mourners may light a large candle (usually
provided by the funeral home) which will burn in the home for the next week.
There is a tendency in many places for families to engage a
caterer to provide for this meal.
However, it is best for extended family members, synagogue members, or
friends to arrange the meal. Mourners
should not arrange for the food, greet or entertain guests.
Planning for Shiva
Before the burial, priority should be given to arranging a
respectful farewell to the departed loved one.
Once these efforts are in place, attention should turn to the details of
mourning. If mourners will be sitting shivah (i.e. observing the seven-day-long period of
mourning in a family home), preparations must be made, usually with the help of
a rabbi or synagogue members. (Some
families may alternately make use of a leniency which permits a three-day mourning
period when economic necessity requires an early return to work.) This full week of withdrawal from daily
concerns provides a chance for mourners to grieve together, exchange memories
of the deceased loved one, and be comforted by each other and the community.
FUNERAL CHECKLIST
Although the most vital tasks and decisions must be made by
family members, an excellent way to deal with other tasks is to recruit as many
friends and non-first-degree relatives (in-laws can be excellent for this) as
possible to make phone calls, help transport out-of-town relatives, arrange
food for the meal following the funeral, and assist with other needed
errands.
Burial Arrangements
o
Contact a Hevra Kadisha (burial society) and/or funeral
home. If there is no local organization
of this type, contact other local Jewish families, the closest synagogue, or
Jewish Federation.
o
If the departed person has a pre-arranged burial and
funeral plan, find the necessary information.
o
If the deceased one owned a talit (prayer shawl),
decide if they should be buried with it.
(It may also be kept as a family heirloom.)
Sharing the Sadness
o
Inform--in person, if possible--the closest family
members. For out-of-town members of the
immediate family, do your best to make sure that the person being called is not
alone or in an inappropriate location to receive the sad news of their loved
one’s death. (For example, one should
not notify a sibling that their sister has died while he or she is on their
cell phone and driving.)
o
Make a list of people who should be contacted regarding
the death. Include family members,
friends, employers (of both the deceased and of family members), co-workers,
community members, and neighbors.
o
Delegate family members and friends for making phone
calls.
Funeral Service
o
Contact the synagogue of the departed person and/or of
the mourners.
o
Decide who will conduct the funeral service.
o
Consult with the service officiant regarding the eulogy
and the participation of family members and friends.
o
Estimate the number of funeral attendees.
o
Consult with the funeral home and/or cemetery regarding
service locations for both the eulogy and burial. Decide if a chapel and/or graveside service will suit family
needs.
o
Appoint pall-bearers (who will carry the coffin part or
all of the way to the burial site). If
there are individuals who may be unable to physically handle this task, you may
designate them as "honorary" pall-bearers.
o
Arrange for transportation to and from the ceremony for
mourners and other family members. This
is often done through the funeral home.
o
Some mourners may wish to practice reciting the
Mourner’s Kaddish prayer.
o
If mourners would like to rip a garment (usually a
shirt or sweater) for kriah, then they should wear that article to the
funeral (with appropriate garments underneath, for the sake of modesty).
o
If children are to attend the funeral, arrange to seat
them with a babysitter or other responsible adult who will not mind leaving the
service if the children are restless or upset.
Seudat Havra’ah ("Meal of Consolation")
o
If the family will be observing this custom, members of
the extended family or friends—but not the mourners—should make arrangements
for a light meal.
o
Give out directions to the family home at the funeral.
o
Place a pitcher of water, a basin, and towel outside
the front door, to be used by funeral returnees before they enter the
home. (This may also be done outside
the cemetery.)
o
Prepare hard-boiled eggs for eating during the
meal. These eggs symbolize the cyclical
nature of life.
Preparing for Shivah
o
Notify employers of needs for family leave.
o
Contact the synagogue of the departed person and/or of
the mourners regarding the shivah, in order set a schedule of services, to
assure ten adults at services (if applicable), and to ask for assistance with
other practical arrangements. Set a schedule for meal preparation by friends
and extended family.
o
Prepare a handout with the shivah information, to be
passed out at the funeral, that includes the address of (and maybe directions
to) the home where shivah will be observed, hours during which visitors will be
welcomed, and the times of the services.
o
Create a door sign with visiting hours posted.
o
Notify neighbors of the presence of additional cars and
people in the neighborhood.
o
It can be helpful to have groceries and other necessary
items delivered over the course of the week.
o
If desired, borrow from the synagogue or funeral home
low chairs or cushions for the mourners’ seating, prayer books for services,
and kippot (head-coverings) for guests.
Other
o
Post an obituary in the local and/or Jewish newspapers. Obituaries may be posted either before or
after a funeral.
o
Designate a charitable organization(s) to receive
donations in the name of the lost loved one.
Rachel L. Miller is a
Conservative rabbi, Jewish educator, and freelance writer living in Northern
California. She was ordained from the
Ziegler School of Rabbinical Studies, at the University of Judaism, in
2001. She is currently pursuing a Ph.D.
at Graduate Theological Seminary, in Berkeley, CA.
