The Tombstone, the Unveiling, and Visiting the Grave
Customs
surrounding the Jewish grave show honor toward the deceased and reflect the
teaching that all are equal in death.
By Barbara Binder Kadden and Bruce Kadden
Reprinted with
permission from Teaching Jewish Life Cycle: Insights and Activities (A.R.E.
Publishing, Inc.).
Since ancient times, it has been the custom to mark the
grave with a stone or monument. After Rachel died, "Jacob erected a
monument on Rachel's grave" (Genesis 35:20). The marker or monument serves
to identify the grave so that relatives will find it when they visit, honor the
memory of the deceased, and identify a place of burial so that kohanim (priests)
will avoid it as required by Jewish law.
Jewish tradition makes no stipulation as to the size or type
of marker or monument, but most cemeteries have specific guidelines. The Jewish
teaching that all are equal in death often serves as a guide to choosing an
appropriate headstone.
The marker usually includes: the English and Hebrew name of
the deceased, the dates of birth and death in English and Hebrew, and the
relationship to other family members (i.e., father/mother, husband/wife,
grandfather/grandmother, sister/ brother, etc.). Also, one often finds the
Hebrew letters pay nun, standing for "po nikbar(ah), here is buried," and the letters tav, nun,
tzadee, bet, hay, standing for the phrase "May his/her soul be
bound up in the bond of eternal life."
Unveiling
It is customary for the grave marker to be put in place and
for an unveiling ceremony to be held after the Kaddishperiod [11
months for parents and 30 days for other close relatives] is over, but no later
than one year after the death. While many families wait until almost the full
year has passed to do the unveiling, it may be done sooner; in Israel the stone
is usually placed soon after sheloshim [the first 30 days of mourning].
The unveiling ceremony consists of the recitation of Psalms,
a very brief eulogy encapsulating the most salient characteristics of the
deceased, removing the cloth covering the headstone, the El Maleh Rahamim [God full of compassion--a prayer], and the Mourner's Kaddish[a prayer in praise of God recited by
mourners]. Traditionally, Kaddish is not
recited aloud if no minyan
[quorum of 10]ispresent.
It is customary, before leaving the gravesite, to place a
small stone on the marker to indicate that someone has visited the grave. This
tradition may also reflect the biblical practice of marking the grave with a
pile of stones. Or, it may be the end result of the custom of writing notes to
the deceased and pushing them into crevices in the headstone just as notes are
pushed into the Western Wall in Jerusalem. When no crevice could be found, the
note was weighted down with a stone. In time, the paper disintegrated or blew
away leaving only the stone. Thus, some began to think that the leaving of a
stone was the custom... and so it became the custom.
Visiting the Grave
While visitation of the grave is permitted at almost any
time, excessive visits are discouraged. "The rabbis were apprehensive that
frequent visiting to the cemetery might become a pattern of living thus
preventing the bereaved from placing their dead in proper perspective" (The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning,
Maurice Lamm, p. 192).
It is considered especially appropriate to visit the graves
of loved ones on the last day of shiva[the
first seven days of intensive mourning] and the last day of sheloshim, on Yahrzeit [the yearly anniversary of a
person's death],on Jewish fast days, and before or between the High Holy
Days. Traditional Jews will often recite psalms while visiting, study a short
passage from the Mishnah [an early
rabbinic legal code], or recite "El
Maleh Rahamim."
Reproduced with
permission from Teaching Jewish Life Cycle: Insights and Activities by Barbara Binder Kadden and Bruce Kadden, ©
A.R.E. Publishing, Inc. 1997, ISBN #0-86705-040-3. Available from A.R.E.
Publishing, Inc., 700 N. Colorado Blvd. #356, Denver, CO 80206, (800) 346-7779,
www.arepublish.com.
