The Phases of Jewish Bereavement
Jewish mourning
customs reflect the natural course of grief and recovery following the death of
a loved one.
By Ron Wolfson
Reprinted with
permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish
Lights Publishing, 1993).
Two thousand years before
modern psychology discovered "grief work," the rabbis of the Talmud
had established a staged series of steps to manage mourning. There are six
basic phases of the Jewish bereavement cycle. Each has a specific time period
and a set of major practices and common emotional states that assist the
mourner through the grieving process.
Remember: Although these phases are time-bound, the emotions of a
mourner's grief may or may not correspond to these times. The experience of
bereavement is highly individualistic and while the time may move quickly, the
resolution of grief often takes months or years.
[The following table provides an] overview of the Jewish approach to
mourning:
Phase One: Aninut
Time: From the moment of death until the conclusion of
the funeral.
Major
Practices: Making funeral
arrangements, preparing for the funeral, no mourning, no prayer services, no
"official" condolence calls.
Common
Emotions: Shock, numbness, anger,
denial, disbelief.
Phase Two: Aveilut (for Seven
Relatives: Mother, Father, Spouse, Sister, Brother, Son, Daughter)
Time: Seven days of shiva [literally, sitting], beginning at the conclusion of the funeral (Day
One) through the next six days, unless cancelled by a festival. The first three
days are for intense mourning, followed by four days of mourning and
reflection.
Major
Practices: "Sit" at
home, say Kaddish [prayer recited by
mourners in praise of God] at prayer services conducted in the home (or
synagogue), receive consolers, no work or shaving.
Common Emotions: Sadness, relief, melancholy, comfort, happiness
when recalling fond memories of the deceased.
Phase Three: Sheloshim--30 Days
(for Seven Relatives)
Time: From the end of shiva(Day Seven) through 30 days from
the day of burial.
Major
Practices: Return to work, say Kaddishat
prayer services in the synagogue, no entertainment, men do not shave.
Common Emotions: Loneliness, busyness, waves of sadness.
Phase Four: Shanah--11 Months (for Parents)
Time: From the day of burial through 11 months.
Major Practices: Saying Kaddish
at prayer services in the synagogue,
some restrictions on behavior (including attendance at genuinely happy events)
until a full year has passed, unveiling of gravestone.
Common Emotions: Gradual return to normal feelings, occasional
twinges of sadness, recovering from grief, return of humor.
Time:Anniversary of the day of death.
Major Practices: Say Kaddishat prayer services in the synagogue, light a memorial candle, give tzedakah [charitable donations].
Common Emotions: Sadness at memory of loss.
Phase Six: Yizkor (for Seven
Relatives)
Time: Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, last day of Passover,
second day of Shavuot. [In communities that observe only one day of Shavuot,
Yizkor is said on that day. In many communities, Yizkor is also said on
Rosh Hashanah, the second day of Sukkot and the second day of Passover.]
Major Practices: Recite special memorial services in the synagogue, light memorial candle
(although some.light a candle only on Yom Kippur), give tzedakah.
Common Emotions: Sadness, memories.
Excerpt from A
Time to Mourn, A Time to ComfortÓ 1993 The Federation of Jewish Men's Clubs. (Woodstock,
Vt.: Jewish Lights Publishing) $15.95 + $3.75 s/h. Order by mail or call
800-962-4544 or online at www.jewishlights.com. Permission granted
by Jewish Lights Publishing, P.O. Box 237, Woodstock, VT 05091.
