His Bar Mitzvah; My Religious Crisis

How do you send your child to Hebrew school when you hated it?

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"Right," I said. "And besides that, well, I can't really remember any more."

"But there are more Jewish holidays, right, daddy?"

"There probably are," I said.

But I'm obviously not the one to tell him. Part of being a good dad is recognizing your limits as an educator, particularly a religious one, and my limits are very clear. Sure, I can lead a seder, but I'm not exactly a fount of talmudic knowledge. The coming bar mitzvah crisis looms, and all I know are the lyrics to "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah," a song on 30 Rock a couple of years ago. "Boys becoming men," the lyrics went, "men becoming wolves."
We'd better find a good Hebrew school, and fast.

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Neal Pollack

Neal Pollack is an American satirist, novelist, short story writer, and journalist. His books include The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature, Never Mind the Pollacks, Beneath the Axis of Evil, and Alternadad.