Purim Shpiel

Purim Queen

Holiday songs, pop style

By Jason van Leeuwen

The following Purim songs are written to popular tunes by the band Queen. Reprinted with permission of the author.

Mesopotamian Rhapsody

To the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody"

Chorus: Is this a wive's tale, or is it history?

Though it's a satire, it reflects a reality

Pick up that yad, start right at the top and see.

We are just some poor folk, we need no sympathy,

'cause we're easy come, easy go.

Riding high, then brought low,

Bavel's where we're led to, sitting by the waters

We weep.

Esther: Uncle, my mom and dad

Had a sword held to their heads, could do nothing, now they're dead.

Uncle, life is just no fun.

But now all that I knew is blown away.

Uncle, oooooooooh, cannot ever tell a lie

I have doubts someone up there remembers

anytime, anywhere – knows what has even happened.

Mordecai: Hadassah, my little one.

this is now your home, you will never be alone.

Hadassah, I have known your pain.

You must not allow your faith to fade away

Hadassah, oooooooh, I will not stand by

We will survive this cold and cruel Diaspora

Esther: I see a little billeto for a dance

Oy gevalt, oy gevalt, should I learn the fandango?

Chorus: Achashverosh needs a queen, totally exciting thing

Manischevitz! Manischevitz! Manischevitz! Manischevitz!

Manischevitz! Chicken Soup, With garlic clo – o – o – oves

Esther: I'm just a frum Jew, will the king love me

Chorus: She's just a frum Jew, in a frum family

Spare her the shame of this sexist travesty

Esther: Easy come, easy go, I'll just change my name

Mordecai: Hadassah, no! I will not let you go –

Esther: Let me go!

Mordecai: Hadassah, I will not let you go –

Esther: Let me go!

Mordecai: Hadassah, I will not let you go –

Esther: Let me go!

Mordecai: Not let you go –

Esther: Let me go!

Mordecai: Not let you go –

Esther: Let me go! Oh oh oh oh

Chorus: Oy oy oy oy oy oy oy

Esther: Oh uncle Mordy, uncle Mordy, Uncle Mordy let me go!

Achashverosh may cast a loving eye on me, on me, on me!

Mordecai: So you think an extreme makeover will suffice!

So you think you're convincing uncle Mordecai!

Oyyy, Esther! That is your new name, Esther!

This better work out, this better work out or veiz meer!

Achashverosh: What a shayna punim, what a maidl fair

My queen will be Esther, my queen will be Esther.

Esther: So there!

We've Got Purim Chatchkes

To the tune of "We Will Rock You"

Yidl, you're a young Jew, jaded Jew

Hanging in the streets, gonna take on the world some day

You got rage in your face, hands at waist

Wonderin' why you got dragged to this place

We've got Purim Chatchkes (2x)

Yidl, you're in shul, not a big shul,

Sitting in your seats, shall you begin to pray? "No Way!"

You got rage in your face, hands at waste,

Wonderin' how to slide out of this place

We've got Purim Chatchkes (2x)

Parents, got a long haul, tough haul

Figuring a way not to look like a fool this day

You've got fear on your face, big disgrace

tell 'em they're meant to enjoy this place

('cause) We've got Purim Chatchkes (4x)

Crazy Little King's A Lush (Achashverosh)

To the tune of "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"

This drink, filled up

I just can't handle it.

This drink, brings up

My kind of random wit

I'm on a rye kick

This crazy little king's a lush.

This king's lost lunch

Get your, minds 'round to it

This king's lost lunch

Somebody get a few Tylenol tablets

You'll have to like it

This crazy little king's a lush

There goes sobriety

It's overrated anyway

Too much anxiety

180 days of parties

My liver's gonna turn to shmutz

I'm proud to play fool, get whacked,

Paid for, by Persian tax

Stand up, aim high,

Take a long worship at the porcelain shrine

You're invited

This crazy little king's a lush.

She's A Goner Queen

To the tune of "Killer Queen"

She keeps her Ms. subscription

Current every year to date

Takes self defense classes

Sneaks out of the palace gates

No one's gonna mess with her

Let alone King Achashver-

-osh. Go ahead and try to scare

her into acquiescing.

Vashti's never gonna dance

Go ahead and take a chance

Independent and firm

She's a Killer… queen

Got her sound priorities

Bothers not with vanities

Guaranteed to pave the way

For the gals

Read about it in the scroll

She's the model for the role

Stole the show!

She's got a glass ceiling through which

Not a queen has ever passed

This day she refuses

Knowing it may be her last

Harassment should be a crime

Subjected to hormonal slime

It's obvious that it is time

To take one for the sisters

Achashverosh getting riled

Letting rip his pickled bile

Vashti can give a hoot,

She's a goner

Queen, Got her sound priorities

Bothers not with vanities

Got her place in history

What a gal!

drop of a hat, she is willing to

fight the system to the death

though temporarily out of action

never is she out of gas

Vashti's going the extra mile, mile.

People Gotta Fry

To the tune of "Keep Yourself Alive"

Haman:When I journeyed through the kingdom

all the subjects bowed to me

but there is one exception

who would not pay me no heed

I am filled with consternation

At his pious insolence

I just wanna get an edict

To knock into him some sense

There's one hundred twenty seven

satrapies that call you king

the most formidable force

That this planet's ever seen

So how could that Mordecai stand up

Ignoring your command

When we have been so gracious

To allow them on this land

Chorus

Those people gotta fry

Those people gotta fry, yeah,

I will not rest until I bloody

That Hebrew Mordecai

Sure, these people are so different

and they practice different ways

they rudely refuse to blend in

and so they gotta pay

if you just hand me your signet ring

I'll have it all arranged

I'll defend your royal honor

And give them a world of pain

And now I have the Purim

Safe inside my sweaty palm

I will see what number I can roll

And heed their fateful call

It appears we have a winner

It's Adar the thirteenth day

That's when all Jews will be murdered

Now the gods have had their say

Repeat Chorus

White Horsey!

To the tune of "Bicycle Race"

HAMAN: White Horsey! White Horsey! White Horsey!

I want to ride my White Horsey! White Horsey! White Horsey!

I want to ride my white horsey! I want to ride it high

I want to ride my white horsey! I want a holiday all mine!

You say "can't," I say "sleep"

You say "earn," I say "keep."

You say "thanks," I say "the king

Wants to find a way to honor li'l ol' Haman"

You say "Who?" I say "me."
You say "where?" I say "street"

You say "what" I say "E-mail

All the subjects of the land, book the finest metal band

Crown me while I'm on my

White Horsey! White Horsey! White Horsey!

I want to ride my White Horsey! White Horsey! White Horsey!

I want to ride my white horsey! I want to ride it high

I want to ride my white horsey! I want a holi-

Achashverosh: Dazed am I at your ingenious idea, you will

Plan this extravaganza.

All will say "thus shall we honor a man whom the king

Delights in – Mordecai!!"

Haman: Oy gevalt. I'm sick! Aaaaaauuuuggghhhh!!!

Mordecai I hate! Mordecai I hate, Mordecai I hate!

White Horsey! White Horsey! White Horsey!

I want to ride my White Horsey! White Horsey!

I want my white horsey now!!!

Another Mission By the Just

To the tune of "Another One Bites the Dust"

Queen walks warily to the king

With her veil pulled way down low

Ain't no sound but the sound of her pumps

And her heart ready to blow

Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this

Are you hanging at the edge of your pews

In through the doorway Queen Esther slips

Pleading her case for the Jews

Another Mission by the Just

Another mission by the just

And a mother of one

Another mission by the just

Say – your prayers for us Jews

Another mission by the just

How do you think she's gonna get that king

To hold his scepter out?

She told the Jews to fast for three days

And pray they'll avoid a rout

Bitter Haman won't be satisfied

Till he gets his ton of flesh

Out through the doorway Queen Esther slips

To get her people out of this mess

Repeat chorus

There are plenty of ways you can get Haman

To put his head in his own noose

You can trick him, you can stick him, you can pick him for

A party for 3 to hang loose

She is ready, she is ready to lose

Her very life to save her clan

In through the doorway Queen Esther slips

To foil Haman's evil plan

Repeat chorus

You're So Busted

To the tune of "You're My Best Friend"

Esther: You've not long to live

Did you ever think you'd pull off this gig?

You've not long to live

Ooh, you make me livid, Haman.

You've not long to live

Ooh, you're so busted

The king's on his way

So he can see to your downfall

what a slimeball

And I want you to know you'll be hanged real soon

I really loathe you, oh

you're so busted!

You've not long to live

Oh, I've played a gentile

But I tell you I'm a Jew

Come rain or shine

I look out for my kind

I'm Hebrew to the core

you're so busted!

Ooh your life you'll give

Your sinister plan we'll not forgive

Ooh your life you'll give

Ooh your life you'll give now, Haman!

You've not long to live

Yeah, you're so busted

The king will be mad

When he learns you almost killed me.

It will thrill me

When all of the Jews see your head in a noose

We really loathe you, ohhh,

you're so busted.

We Are the Conscience

To the tune of "We Are the Champions"

I've paid my dues, time after time.

I've been cast in exile, have I committed a crime?

Yes, past mistakes, I've made a few,

Seen sacred land torn up by their jackboots

But I've come through!

We are the conscience, chevrah.

And we'll keep on striving 'spite it all

We are the conscience, we are the conscience.

No time to lose hope, 'cause we are the conscience

Of the world.

I've gotten a gift, wrapped in a scroll,

You gave me a covenant and everything that goes with it.

I thank You, Lord.

But it's been no magic carpet, far have I moved.

Though I've seen Your altar and Temple in flames,

I'll never be through (gonna keep on hoping, hoping, hoping, cause)

(2x)We are the conscience, chevrah.

And we'll keep on striving 'spite it all

We are the conscience, we are the conscience.

No time to lose hope, 'cause we are the conscience

Of the world.

Jason van Leeuwen, a.k.a. "RebJason" is a rabbi and cantor in at B'nai Tikvah congregation in Los Angeles.