Lenny Bruce Was Jewish...

... but his comedy could use a little updating

By Isaac Galena

Lenny Bruce's "Jewish and Goyish" skit is a classic of American-Jewish comedy. The following piece updates the skit for a 21st-century audience. Reprinted with permission from Bangitout.com.

Dig'

I am Jewish, Harrison Ford is Jewish, The Iron Chef is Jewish. Kid Rock is Goyish. Kathie Lee is goyish. Billy Joel is as Jewish as it gets, Elton John is goyish.

While Coke is Jewish, Pepsi veers more goyish... but has Jewish commercials. Dick Cheney is definitely Jewish, President Bush is severely goyish. Hulk Hogan has always been Jewish, as Rick Flair has always been goyish. Yahoo! is so Jewish, as opposed to Excite and Ask Jeeves, which are goyish. Britney is most definitely Jewish, while Christina is as goy as they come.

 

PCs are Jewish, Macs are goyish. Pot is one of the most Jewish things around. Yet bongs are so goyish. Spell-check is Jewish. But using the Thesaurus is goyish.

Evan Jewish, Jaron goyish. [And if you get that reference, you're definitely Jewish. -- The editors]

Snapple is Jewish, as Arizona is goyish. Batman is a Jewish superhero. Robin is goyish. Penn is a freaking goy, while Teller is a silent Masmid [dedicated Torah scholar].

MTV was Jewish and VH1 goyish, but with Behind the Music, VH1 has fully converted. Both Mario and Luigi were Jewish, along with Zelda, although the princess they rescued was goyish.

The entire idea of Designing Women was goyish. Golden Girls screamed Jewish. George Costanza was Jewish, Seinfeld was goyish. Bruce Willis is a Jew. Robert De Niro is a Jew. Robin Williams is a rebbe. However, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise are goyim. Chandler is Jewish, the rest of the Friends cast were goyish. Felicity is only Jewish because the show was filmed in New York. Survivor is ultra Jewish, Boot Camp is anti-Semtic goyish.

HBO is Jewish. Cinemax is goyish. Jon Stewart defines Jewishness, Drew Carey reeks of goy. Jo, Tootie, and Natalie were all under the kosher supervision of Mrs. Garrett. Blair Warner was a model shikse.

Rollerblades have become Jewish, but the Extensive Protective Equipment is goyish. All fruit added to a vegetable salad is considered goyish, except for Craisins, which are Jewish.

Mayonnaise on anything is goyish. Artscroll siddurim [prayer books] are Jewish, Birnbaums are Goyish

Sex in the City is a Jewish girl's dream. The Sopranos is a Jewish girl's reality. Letterman and Conan push to be more Jewish, Leno and Killborn are goyish at the core.

 

E-greetings and Palm Pilots are goyish forms of communication. Instant Messenger is the Jewish way to schmooze.

Oprah is Jewish, Ricky Lake is Goy.com. The Brita filter is Jewish, Pur is goyish water. Bell Atlantic was Jewish, Verizon is goyish. Banking is Jewish, Consulting is goyish "Spinning" is goyish. However, "DJ"ing is Jewish. The GAP has been Jewish for years, but is going off the derekh [path].

H&M is Jewish, but all Capri Pants sold there are goyish. The Wall Street Journal is Jewish, The Financial Times is goyish. Transformers were Jewish, Gobots were goyish.

ESPN is Jewish, ESPN2 is goyish. Law & Order is the absolute Jewish halakhah [law]. Barnes & Nobles is Jewish, B. Daulton is goyish. Macys is Jewish, Nordstrom's goyish.

Arnold Drummond was Jewish, as opposed to that redhead Sam, who was goyish. Braveheart was a Jewish movie, although Mel Gibson is usually pretty goyish. Home Improvements was very goyish, except for their wise rabbinical neighbor.

Oatmeal is Jewish. Wheetena goyish. College Football is goyish, college basketball is Jewish. All sports drafts are Jewish. Golf is a sport that wants to be Jewish so badly.

Heineken is goyish. Corona is goyish only with a lemon. Rap music is Jewish. Metal is goyish. Cover bands are always Jewish. Metallica was Jewish until the whole Napster fallout.

.com is Jewish, .net is goyish.

All soap operas are goyish, except for Days of Our Lives, which is Jewish. Seventeen magazine is goyish, YM is ultra-Jewish.

 

Bangitout.com is soo soo Jewish, Onlysimchas.com seems to be a wee bit goyish

 

Isaac Galena is the co-editor of Bangitout.com, a Jewish humor website.

 

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