Jewish Jokes

Great traditional Jewish jokes.

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Teaching English

Shapiro visits a kosher restaurant in New York, and to his great surprise, the Mexican waiter addresses him in Yiddish.
On the way out, as he is paying the check, he says to the proprietor, "You run a nice restaurant. And a Mexican waiter who speaks Yiddish--what a wonderful gimmick that is."
"Not so loud," says the proprietor. "He thinks we're teaching him Mexican."

Richest Man in Town

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger was say a woman crying very loudly.  The stranger said, "Are you a relative of the deceased?"
"No."
"Then why are you crying?"
"That's why!"

Showing Up Late

Bernstein walks into work one day at nine. He is very late The boss is furious. "You should have been here at eight-thirty!" he shouts.
"Why?" says Shapiro. "What happened at eight-thirty?"

Public Toilets

Bloomberg, on a business trip, found himself having a public toilet. He had just made himself comfortable when he noticed that the toilet paper roll was empty.  He called out to the next booth, "Excuse me, friend, but do you have any toilet paper in there?"
"No, I'm afraid there doesn't seem to be any here, either."
Bloomberg paused for a moment. "Listen, he said, do you happen to have a newspaper or a magazine with you?"
"Sorry, I don't."
Bloomberg paused again, and then said, "How about two fives for a ten?"

Charity

The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
"And has your prayer been answered?" asked his wife.
"Half of it was," replied the rabbi. "The poor are willing to accept the money."

Divorce

My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any!

34 Years

I've been married for thirty-four years and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, I'll be in big trouble!

Cheating

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
"Who was it?" he roared. "That bastard Wolf?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Wolf."
"Was it Green, that creep?"
"No, it wasn't him."
"I know--it must have been that idiot Sherman."
"No, it wasn't Sherman, either."
Feinstein was furious. "Whatsa matter?" he cried. "None of my friends good enough for you?"

The Hospital Visit

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