If you had told me five years ago that I would be making aliyah in the midst of a war to work on behalf of Israel’s only shelter for observant victims of domestic violence, I would have looked at you very funny.
At the time, I was living in Riverdale New York, the international capital of JOFA (or so it felt!), and was happily employed in the fancy and fast-paced world of management consulting. By day, I donned a business suit and visited clients in the CFO suite, by night, I edited my first documentary film and educational curriculum, Faces of Israel, and by weekend, I led youth programming at the Hebrew Institute of Riverdale.
So, how did it happen?
Over the past decade, my family began to make aliyah. My older sister took the first leap in 2007. My little sister jumped onboard as soon as she possibly could in August 2013, and my parents (and family dog!) completed the migration in December 2013.
It was once my dream to make aliyah too. Judaism felt more alive and vibrant in Israel. The holidays were celebrated in an intense and exciting way that I had simply not experienced in America. The very idea of building the Jewish homeland and signing on to be part of the most ambitious project the Jewish community has undertaken in over two thousand years was enthralling. But time seemed to pass more and more quickly and my life in America started falling into place. I released my first film and took it on tour, I became a speaker for Israel Bonds, and I spent two years traveling to communities across North America doing Jewish outreach.
But Skype calls to my parents and sisters just weren’t enough. So I started planning extended visits to Israel in 2012 and, rather than spending days on the beach in Tel Aviv or checking out the endless stream of cafes on Emek Refaim, it was important to me to find a meaningful volunteer opportunity. This is how I discovered Bat Melech. (Or, technically, how my mother discovered Bat Melech!)
After one conversation with Noach Korman, the founder of Bat Melech, I had found my organization.
Bat Melech is the only kosher and Sabbath-observant shelter for victims of domestic violence in Israel, but more than a shelter, it is a home for Jewish women who have been disenfranchised and it is a place where they can begin rebuilding themselves and their families.
I have seen firsthand how women come to us broken and transform during their time at Bat Melech. If we could take a picture of a woman’s arrival and departure days, the stark contrast would be evident. For example, Rachel worked in Israeli academia as a professor. You would think that someone of her stature could never become a victim of domestic violence, but her self-confidence as a professional, a mother, and a human being was systematically shattered through repeated insults, harsh criticisms, and violence. When Rachel arrived, she thought herself neither worthy nor capable of taking care of her children and continuing her career. But after eight months of weekly therapy, counseling, and parental training sessions at Bat Melech, Rachel is back on her feet with custody of her children and is preparing her curriculum for the fall semester.
Many of our residents never had the chance to become the women they wanted to be. Most were denied the opportunity to work, to study, to parent in the manner they thought appropriate and to explore their own personal interests as adults. When they sought help, they were told that modesty, coping in silence, and working toward peace in the home trumped abuse. They didn’t believe they mattered. Bat Melech teaches them to advocate for their selves, be strong, and self-confident. And we’re doing this for over 1,500 women and children each year.
This past winter, I was brought onboard as Bat Melech’s director of North America and Overseas and the first English-speaker in our office! This clinched my decision to make aliyah. Though I was motivated to move to Israel to be near my family, it was the opportunity to make a positive difference in the lives of Jewish women – that clinched the deal.
I know that we have our work cut out for us, but every day strengthens my belief that the work we do is not just chesed (kindness), but tzedek (justice).
So, how did my first week as an Israeli feel? It’s a mixed bag. There’s the excitement of receiving my teudat zehut, Israeli identity card, and feeling like I truly belong here, and the giddiness of walking into my first day at Ulpan. There’s also the challenge of planning my wedding in Israel (my fiancé proposed on the last week of my pilot trip this Spring!), and the striking difference between customer service in Israel and in America. (Let’s just say that the customer is not always right in Israel.) I’m not quite sure that I feel like an Israeli just yet, but le’at le’at – one step at a time, with gratitude, with mindfulness, and with appreciation.
It’s strange but true that being a woman made me uniquely positioned to write my historical novels. Growing up a secular Jew, I doubt I would have been inclined to study Talmud if I were a man. But knowing the yeshiva world was still pretty much closed to women in 1992, I jumped at an opportunity to study this forbidden text in a women’s Talmud class. There, I became so intrigued by the legend that Rashi’s daughters were learned back in what many consider the Dark Ages that I decided to find out if it was true. As I researched the legend, I discovered a mistake in a Jewish encyclopedia that only a woman would notice, and this discovery set me on the course to write my Rashi’s Daughters trilogy.
Before I could determine if Rashi’s daughters were really learned, I needed to know who they were. Rashi himself never mentions his daughters, but all his biographies agreed that they were Joheved, Miriam, and Rachel. They also agreed that Rashi, aka Solomon ben Isaac, was born in 1040 C.E., died in 1105 C.E., and that his oldest grandson Isaac, son of Joheved and her husband Meir, was born in 1076 C.E.
Here’s when I came across something odd in an old Jewish Encyclopedia. In the section on Rashi, it stated that Joheved’s four sons were Isaac (named after Rashi’s father), Samuel (named after Meir’s father), Jacob (known as Rabbenu Tam), and Solomon – born after Rashi’s death and named for his grandfather.
As I pondered this, I began to suspect that something was wrong. For if this were true, it would mean that Joheved had children born thirty years apart (the first in 1076 and the last after 1105)! Now I’d done enough genealogy during the “Roots” craze of the 1980s to know that in the days before modern medicine, this was highly unlikely. Men might sire children over a thirty-year period or longer, but not women.
Determined to get to the bottom of this, I consulted every piece of information on Rashi, his daughters, and his illustrious grandsons that I could find. All this research not only turned up evidence that the daughters were indeed learned, but also proved I was correct to question that encyclopedia entry. I learned that Joheved and Meir’s youngest son was actually Jacob, born in 1100, not Solomon as the encyclopedia had posited. I also saw that it was common at this time for Jewish children, both in Ashkenaz and Sepharad, to be named after a living grandparent. I eventually came to the conclusion that the man who’d written that encyclopedia biography had apparently taken the modern Ashkenazi tradition of not naming a child like this and transposed it to the eleventh century where it didn’t belong. Clearly he never considered how old Joheved would have been when baby Solomon was born, or if he did, it didn’t make him skeptical.
Buoyed with the astonishing knowledge that an encyclopedia could be wrong, I decided to use everything else I’d learned to write about Rashi’s daughters myself and set the record straight.
The expertise I acquired from researching Rashi’s family enabled me to delve into the Talmud for information about Rav Hisda, his daughter and her two husbands, plus the rest of the fourth-century Babylonian rabbinic community, in order to write my latest books, Enchantress: A Novel of Rav Hisda’s Daughter and Apprentice: A Novel of Love, the Talmud and Sorcery.
The Talmud, also known as the Oral Torah, wasn’t written down until hundreds of years after it was compiled. Birth and death dates of Talmudic rabbis were calculated by medieval scholars even later, so after what happened with Joheved’s son Solomon, I was prepared to challenge anything dubious. Indeed, my suspicions that some of these dates might be wrong were confirmed when I tried to sort out Rav Hisda’s family. In particular, I ran into trouble determining when his daughter, my heroine, was born.
All of Rav Hisda’s biographies, including the most recent edition of Encyclopedia Judaica, hold that Hisda was born in 217 C.E. and died in 309 C.E. The Talmud states quite clearly that he married at age sixteen, but because young men rarely married older women and most girls wed shortly after reaching puberty, I figured his wife would have been born around 219 C.E. This woman, his only wife, gave Hisda nine children who lived to adulthood and was still married to him well into her sixties.
These same sources give the birth year for his son-in-law Rava, my heroine’s second husband, as approximately 275 C.E. Do you see the difficulty? Even if my heroine was Hisda’s youngest child, she could not have been born later than 265 C.E. For a man to marry a woman ten years his senior is unusual enough, but to further complicate things, we know from another section of Talmud that Hisda’s daughter was a young girl at the time that Rava was her father’s student, so she must have been younger than her future husband.
How did I resolve this contradiction, one only a woman would question?
I did what the Gemara does when it cannot explain a contradiction between two Mishnas any other way: it revises one Mishna’s text so they both make sense. I felt more comfortable giving precedence to information found in the Talmud itself than relying on guestimates from five hundred years later. So in my book, I wrote that Rav Hisda was born in 230 C.E., his daughter in 275 C.E., and Rava in 270 C.E. Problem solved.
But I didn’t rest there. When I learned in 2005 that a new edition of Encyclopedia Judaica was in the works, I contacted one of their editors who was familiar with my work to ensure that their Rashi article would not perpetuate this error. I also became a Wikipedia editor, where I monitor their articles on the historical figures in my novels for accuracy. It’s important that women’s scholarship isn’t seen as limited to researching historical novels, or worse, overlooked entirely.
Every year at this time, from the second day of Rosh Chodesh Elul into Tishrei, my mind vaguely registers that the shofar is blown daily at the end of Shacharit services. Up until now, that same part of my mind shrugged as I said to myself, “Oh well, I have four kids to diaper, dress, feed and get off to school, slapping together sandwiches, tying shoes, and zipping up backpacks. Write this off as one of the time-bound specials.” Between my children’s apple and honey projects, and eighth grade lulav and etrog sales, and my menu planning and rummaging around for non-leather shoes, it wasn’t as if Elul passed me by. But the call of the shofar belonged exclusively to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and I always felt a little cheated when any of the festival days fell on Shabbat and we missed a day of shofar blasts.
This year the reminders came again — a d’var Torah here, an article there — including encouragement to learn to blow the shofar myself. Unless a woman works at a Jewish school and can participate in student services, chances are many women don’t hear the shofar blown before Rosh Hashanah. As a result, the do-it-yourself method has a certain appeal. Since Elul is a time to reassess, I did just that and realized that with changing circumstances, another option presented itself: go to synagogue.
It didn’t actually start with the shofar. My first thought was that this year I wanted to make more of an effort to mark Rosh Chodesh, so often glibly referred to as a “woman’s holiday,” and what better time to start than with Elul? I’ve never needed a second invitation to avoid laundry, but making an extra effort in my prayers seemed more challenging. With three children launched out of the house towards college and careers, I figured I could attend the early minyan and return home in time to greet my sleepy high school senior as she wafted down the stairs in search of breakfast. Attending synagogue a morning or two a month didn’t seem too onerous a commitment, and there was no one other than myself to call me to account if it didn’t work out.
Once I heard the shofar, I knew I had an opportunity to approach the Yamim Noraim, the Days of Awe, with additional layers of meaning. I decided to extend my synagogue attendance beyond Rosh Chodesh. The daily shofar blasts are not just the echoes of ancient sound, but an immediate presence within prayer, an overture that we are privileged to hear at a specific time for a specific purpose. They tie us to the Children of Israel awaiting Moses’s descent from the mountain and to Moses himself who fasted forty long days and nights in preparation for receiving the second set of Tablets. In the here and now, the sound of the shofar carries through the rest of my day and makes me evaluate even the most superficially trivial choices.
Because I had stayed at home in the mornings for so many years, I did not know what to expect in synagogue. Did other women think that synagogue was the place to hear the shofar? Was there a community on the women’s side in the morning that I had never heard about? Did it matter? I belong to a relatively large congregation, and so far there have been two of us on the women’s side. I open my prayer book as a member of the entire community and not exclusively of the women’s side. I would be naive to think some thirty pairs of eyes don’t notice that a woman who is not saying Kaddish has started showing up regularly, but I am perfectly comfortable here. After all, these are my friends and neighbors with whom I am praying, and we are all doing our best to prepare for the Days of Awe which lie ahead. Gender really isn’t an issue. Synagogue is the right place to be, listening to the shofar together feels like the right thing to do, and I only wish more of us, both men and women, seized the moment. And I will admit to a certain pleasure at seeing the uncertainty in my daughter’s eyes upon my return: What is Mom up to now?
For more resources about women hearing and blowing shofar, visit www.jofa.org/shofarguide
As a Jewish woman raised in a Conservative home, a Reform synagogue, and who has been Modern Orthodox since the age of nineteen, I have been blessed with being exposed to the various streams of Judaism, all of which, I believe, can learn from one another. What prompted me to identify as Orthodox was the simple desire to be part of a community where the majority of the laity observed Judaism on a daily basis, where Judaism was a prism through which they made decisions, decided moral questions, and in general, lived their lives. The issue of women’s active participation in many things, particularly Jewish ritual, was always a sticking point for me, but I didn’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and trusted that a way could be found.
Thank God, a way has been found, with the advent of JOFA, women’s tefillah groups, partnership minyanim, and most important, women’s incredible strides in higher Torah learning, of which I have been privileged to take part. These practices, though halakhically permissible, have not been part of the Mesorah, or Jewish tradition, a term which includes Jewish law and customs. Historically, particularly in the Ashkenazic community, custom has been accorded the same status as law, and even today, one’s minhag, or custom, is tenaciously preserved. In general, I love tradition, hence my decision to become shomer Shabbat, Shabbat observant. However, I struggle with those aspects of the tradition that feel unjust. My personal relationship to God, which has given me great peace and heartfelt joy, becomes seriously marred if I have to believe it is God’s eternal will that women be barred from performing certain rituals not for any halakhic reason, but simply because Jews in the past felt it either unnecessary or uncomfortable to engage in such practices.
Judaism has never been immune from, or blind to, the world which surrounds it. I could give many historical examples, but the fundamental question facing the Orthodox community (and many religious communities in general), is this: Do we believe that certain values in secular culture, such as gender equality, are important and fundamental enough, reflect basic Jewish values of human rights and dignity enough, to do our best to incorporate them into our ancient tradition?
For some the answer is no, and though I don’t agree with this approach, I must accept the fact that others do very strongly. I can only imagine how I would feel if I had been raised in a fervently observant home that went back generations, and I personally know many women who are truly spiritually fulfilled by the role established by Mesorah. If I wish to be accepted by those in the Orthodox community who disagree with me, I must reciprocate and accept them too.
However, I also need to accept the fact that the status quo feels wrong to me, and I cannot agree with it, and I know others feel as I do. Is it advisable, then, to form yet another branch of Judaism, perhaps dubbed “Liberal” Orthodoxy, where it is a priority to integrate modern values, such as feminism, into a halakhic framework? Though I dislike fragmentation, I would support such a movement, since the alternative is alienating those like me who are devoted to Jewish law and tradition and yet feel that where it is halakhically permissible, women should be included as much as possible.
There are Sephardic Jews, Hasidic Jews, Yeshivish Jews, Yemenite Jews–all within the rubric of Orthodoxy–why can’t the “Liberal Orthodox” community be part of this tapestry? Like the other subgroups of Orthodoxy, which differ widely on customs and even on approaches to determining halakha, Liberal Orthodoxy can, and should, be accepted as a legitimate part of the Orthodox community, rather than condemned as a threat to it.
Our Sages have famously interpreted Proverbs 3:18—Eitz hayyim hi lamachazikim bah, v’tom’cheha m’ushar–“It is a tree of life, to those who hold it fast, and all of its supporters are happy,” as referring to the Torah. Just as a tree with many branches is considered to be alive and well, the plethora of options within Orthodox Judaism is a sign of the vitality of Judaism, not the disintegration of it.
Five months ago, I wrote about my struggles as a newly married woman in adjusting to the observance of Taharat HaMishpacha, the laws of family purity. I felt isolated in my suffering and scared that my commitment to halakha would forever negatively impact my marriage. I had been taught that Taharat HaMishpacha keeps a marriage fresh and alive. Rabbi Meir attested to this in the Talmud, “Why did the Torah teach that a woman was in a period of niddah, menstrual impurity, for seven days?…So that she will be beloved by her husband as on the day she entered the chuppah, wedding canopy” (Niddah 31b). But observing the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha was not a honeymoon for my relationship, and I was searching for someone to tell me that I was not alone in my frustration. I needed community and solidarity.
I watched eagerly as the conversation about my article spread on social media. While some critiqued my frustration and argued that halakhic challenges are simply a part of Avodat Hashem, service of God, many women reached out to me to express their solidarity and sympathy with my challenges. It was clear that I was not alone and that women needed a space to discuss this mitzvah openly and honestly.
Since moving to New York City last fall, I have met many female, halakhic scholars–mentors that I did not have access to when I initially learned the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha on the West Coast. I began asking them about strategies to cope with the challenging aspects of Taharat HaMishpacha and how to guide a follow-up discussion that would move beyond frustration towards constructive action. While the women I spoke to offered solidarity and sympathy, no one had an answer. Most offered a few ideas and then concluded, “You just learn to deal with it.”
That answer was not satisfying. Getting married is enough of a new challenge: learning to live with someone, navigating a new sexual relationship, merging identities. Yet, at the same time we are introduced to a new set of mitzvot that impacts your body, sexuality, and emotional relationship. And if women ever choose to speak openly about these intimate challenges, the only support offered is that it will get easier. But we deserve better. No new bride should ever have to feel isolated and scared because of the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha. Our community needs to collectively strategize on ways to offer support to couples.
With this guiding principle, I facilitated a series of discussion groups, in collaboration with Immerse NYC, which brought together women in Washington Heights to share their experiences of observing Taharat HaMishpacha. These discussions provided space to both vent frustrations and clearly identify the challenges to address.
At one salon, a woman asked if my husband was home and when I responded no, she sighed in relief and pulled off her sheitl, wig. Women around the living room followed suit, pulling off sheitls, tichels, scarves, and hats, a collective shedding of our inhibitions. This was a safe space to open up and be in solidarity as women.
During these discussions, members of the group openly discussed each person’s difficulties and offered suggestions to one another. As each woman shared, heads nodded around the room and women jumped in to respond. I found myself feeling more at ease with my challenges. There was a sense of solidarity in our commitment to this mitzvah and yet, an honest acknowledgement that while observing other mitzvot may be difficult at times, this mitzvah has a particularly sensitive impact as it affects one’s body, marriage, and sexual life. There is a lot of constructive power in a room full of women. While no one walked away with every problem solved, I noticed a lighter energy as women left. We were on the way towards a more positive relationship with this mitzvah.
Our community needs to consciously and consistently support these conversations. While I am fortunate to live in a vibrant, Jewish neighborhood, women all over this country do not have access to this support. My hope is that we can expand this experience beyond Manhattan so that every woman has a place to turn to and a network to support her as she begins this new mitzvah, or as her practice evolves throughout her life. Every marriage deserves to start with all the resources available for success. Talking about the non-halakhic aspects of Taharat HaMishpacha should be another part of the healthy marriage toolkit.
If you are interested in bringing this curriculum to your community, please contact Sasha Kesler at SashaDKesler@gmail.com.
Each shofar has a unique undulating shape and trumpeting sound. The sound may be low and haunting or bold and jarring. But whatever its call, the shofar awakens us from slumber and reminds us that the time for teshuva, repentance, has arrived.
During the Hebrew month of Elul, we blow the shofar on a daily basis at the conclusion of the morning service. This custom is derived from the Midrash that Moses ascended Mount Sinai at the beginning of Elul to receive the second set of tablets, having broken the first set when he witnessed the Israelites worshipping the Golden Calf. While Moses was on the mountain, the Israelites blew the shofar on a daily basis to serve as a warning to the people to maintain their faith in God.
It is interesting to note that the Shulchan Aruch explicitly permits a woman to blow shofar for herself or for other women on Rosh Hashanah. But our rabbinic sources are silent on the issue of women blowing shofar during the month of Elul, leaving us to extrapolate for modern times. The Rema, Mishnah Berurah, and other halakhic authorities categorize blowing the shofar during Elul as a minhag, custom, rather than as an obligation. With these considerations in mind, a woman could blow shofar for herself or in the presence of other women during Elul to assist them in fulfilling the minhag. Alissa Thomas-Newborn, author of a forthcoming JOFA publication entitled, “A Cry from the Soul: Women and Hilkhot Shofar,” holds that a woman may indeed take on this role.*
Blowing a teki’ah (the long, solid blast) is not all that difficult. It takes some creative positioning of the mouth and hands, and some trial and error, but it can be mastered within a few minutes of effort. It is incredibly satisfying to put the shofar to your lips and produce a deafening blast. While the sound is energizing when it is merely heard, the call of the shofar is incredibly impactful when it draws from the energy deep within you.
Would you like to try it yourself?
The Partnership for Jewish Learning and Life, an agency of the Federation of Metrowest New Jersey, is hosting the Great Shofar Blowout on Sunday, September 21st in Whippany, NJ. In an attempt to break the Guinness World Record, 1500 participants will blow shofar in the same place at the same time! JOFA is co-sponsoring this historic event.
But before you can join in the Blowout, you may need to practice. JOFA will be hosting a workshop for women, men, and children who are interested in getting some practical experience; first-timers are welcome! The workshop will be enriched by a shiur, text-based class, which will review sources addressing the permissibility of women blowing shofar. I invite you to join me on Sunday, September 7 at the Mount Freedom Jewish Center in New Jersey, at 10 am, for this exciting event. Bring your personal shofar as you will want to learn the best technique for your instrument!
Rosh Chodesh Elul is almost upon us. The shofar calls out to me with a voice that is strong and unwavering. It is a call that has been heeded by countless generations each year at this time. This year, I will do more than just listen to that call. I intend to feed it with my own strength, my own will and my own breath. I will infuse the shofar call with my own hopes and desires for a fresh start in the New Year, for a greater level of commitment to God, to my people and to my community.
* Note: The issue of women blowing shofar for a mixed congregation, however, is more complex and requires intensive study of the sources; a synopsis is beyond the scope of this posting.
To My Bais Yaakov Education,
I thought I knew what I was getting into when I made the jump from a coed, Modern Orthodox elementary school to a Bais Yaakov-type high school. In truth, I had no concept. However, I do not regret attending such a right-wing high school for a moment, and am proud to affiliate myself with you.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it: there were points where, as a feminist, I really wasn’t sure if I could make it through. There were many lessons, speeches, and offhand comments about women in Judaism where I had to roll my eyes and remind myself not to take things so seriously. The hashkafa (philosophy) rabbi whose biggest blessing was “shemoneh esrei l’chuppah, but the gematria of tov is seventeen—the Sages say eighteen is an auspicious age to wed, but the numerical value of good is seventeen;” the (female) Nashim B’Tanach (Women in the Bible) teacher who taught us that women are the moon and men are the sun, so we are only reflections of the men in our lives; the halakha (Jewish law) rabbi who gave an impromptu lesson on why women shouldn’t enter the clergy…I could go on and on. It made my blood boil.
The undue emphasis on tzniut (modesty) was also difficult for me to swallow. I follow the rules of tzniut as you taught me—covering knees, elbows, collarbone—because that’s how I feel comfortable. But considering the amount of mitzvot (commandments) that you did not care to emphasize, it bothered me that you put so much effort into exhorting us (a largely modestly-dressed bunch to begin with) to cover up.
So no, you were not without your negatives. But with the space of a year sans pleated skirts and collared shirts to reflect, I realize that I gained much more from you than I ever thought I would. I don’t think that I am a feminist despite my Bais Yaakov education, but because of it.
Although some might find it ironic, you provided me with many more learned female role models than my elementary school did. I certainly had my share of women teachers when I was younger, but they were not as respected as the rabbis, particularly those rabbis who taught the boys’ classes. During my four years in Bais Yaakov, the only male Judaic studies teachers I had taught halakha and hashkafa, so text-based classes were always woman-led. Consequently, there was never any doubt in my (or any other student’s) mind that women are capable of learning and mastering religious texts and any accompanying commentary.
Beyond the classroom, you definitely tried to promote the model of an educated, frum (observant) woman who can lead others and hold her own in a religious or secular arena. Principals were always female and Orthodox, as were guidance counselors and administrators. We were frequently addressed by women speakers, whether they were delivering words of Torah or lectures on genetic testing. For the biannual school production, we performed a musical about the life and legacy of Sarah Schenirer, the creator of Bais Yaakov and innovator of Jewish women’s education. Students were encouraged to take on leadership roles, from debate team captain to choir head to hesed (community service) committee coordinator.
So I don’t think that it would be fair to characterize you by “shemoneh esrei l’chuppah” and speeches on modesty. Yes, those were big parts of my high school career, and I don’t wish to ignore them, especially because I know that they dominated many other Bais Yaakov girls’ high school careers. But they do not define my experience in Bais Yaakov. No, I feel that my time in high school is better characterized by the all-girls environment, in which my friends and I were able to laugh with each other unselfconsciously. By the strong friendships I made, and keep to this day. By the high level of Judaic and secular learning I didn’t even realize I received until I got to college. By the strong women I learned from, both inside and outside the classroom.
So thank you, Bais Yaakov. For showing me that a woman can learn just as well as any man can, and that a frum woman can do whatever she sets her mind to. You never called yourself feminist, and I certainly did not think to apply the label to you while I was in high school. But now, in retrospect, I do believe that it would be the proper adjective to describe the education you gave me.
A feminist Bais Yaakov graduate
Feminism has become a dirty word.
In discussions with students, this is what I hear: “Sure, I think women should get paid the same as men, but it’s not like I’m a feminist.” “Feminists want to make everyone the same, but everyone knows men can’t breastfeed.” “Feminists think women are better than men— that’s the problem.” These summations are offered with a blend of confidence, scorn, and ignorance, while the word at their center, “feminist,” is spoken with that special brand of dismissiveness that comes so naturally to adolescents.
As a high school teacher, I have the opportunity to discuss all sorts of “ism’s.” Ample opportunities arise for discussions that are ideological, political, cultural, theological, socio-political, socio-theologico-political—it all finds a moment in our discourse. And in my fifteen years of facilitating such discussions, my students have proven to possess a remarkable degree of tolerance to dissenting positions, and admirable openness to having their own points of view examined by their peers. By and large, the students I have taught are well able to leave their cynicism at the door of the classroom, and engage in healthy, self-reflective, and honest discussions. Their sensitivity time after time exceeds my own.
With one exception: feminism. Often, their negativity is shaped by the very legitimate and positive changes that have occurred in the last few decades. They chide me: “Mr. Fleischer, feminism was once really important, but there’s nothing left to fight for.” So we do the work. We take the time to list feminist concerns in detail, examining the world stage, the domestic sphere, even our own religious community. In checklist fashion, we get down to brass tacks: do women make the same as men for doing the same job? Are women treated with justice or even sensitivity in the legal and political arenas? Have our assumptions about family life shifted in response to contemporary notions of equality? And even as it becomes clear that at least some of them share many of the ideological concerns of the feminist movement, still they balk: “But that doesn’t make me a feminist.”
The issues are fine. But the word? That’s another matter.
Faced with this cognitive dissonance, I lose my teacherly perspective. Out the window go any ambitions of withholding my point of view. I find myself insisting, “Of course you’re a feminist!” while my students respond, “No, I’m not!” Part of me believes that as long as they’re thinking about the issues, the rhetoric is moot. Let them call themselves whatever they want. They still live lives of feminist empowerment, lives rich with the possibilities provided for them by the feminist movement. I chide myself: so what if they’re stuck on the word?
But there are, I think, serious values at stake in the language of feminism, values of particular concern to educators, values that turn on the very question of what we choose to call ourselves.
First of all, as a Modern Orthodox Jewish educator, I believe in the importance of hakarat hatov, of recognizing the sacrifices others have made on our behalf. Certainly, hakarat hatov is a key aspect of the relationship we build with God, as well as with our own history. Acknowledging past debts, like those we owe to generations of feminists, both women and men, has a religious component to it. The discomfort with the language of feminism that too often emerges in my community is not only historically myopic and shallow, but also insensitive. While many of us have tried to balance the changes generated by the feminist movement against the counterweight of our tradition, the lives we lead and the communities in which we pursue God’s will have yet been deeply informed by them. Allowing others to blithely dismiss the word “feminist” is an ethical and religious failure. The word matters because in using the word we engage in hakarat hatov. Simply put, it’s a mitzvah.
Secondly, like all movements, feminism is concerned with the limitations of the status quo and the need for change. The lifeblood of movements concerned with change is the language with which they describe themselves. More importantly, proponents of change are driven by passionate self-awareness; they declare themselves into being. They identify themselves and in doing so promote the change they are looking to effect. That is, in using the language of feminism we promote the cause.
As a teacher, I have a fine line to walk. On the one hand, I teach not only facts and figures but values. Ours is a mission driven profession, a tikkun olam profession. To leave my values at the door of my classroom is to betray its purpose. On the other hand, my students bring their own identifications, world views, and sensitivities to our class. Our classroom needs to be a place in which they can examine who they are and consider who they want to become. To offer my own point of view in too heavy-handed a fashion is also to betray the purpose of the classroom.
When it comes to my own feminism, it has been hard for me to find this balance. I want to push my students to examine their discomfort with feminism, but in order to do so they need to feel comfortable expressing their discomfort and confident that they will be allowed to find their own point of view. I want to direct their attention to the cognitive dissonance they experience in response to the word “feminist;” I want them to acknowledge their debt and to work toward change. But I also want them to feel safe enough to disagree with me, in part because I need to teach them what respectful disagreement looks like.
So sometimes I bite my tongue, and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I argue: “Look at the issues! Of course you’re a feminist!” And sometimes I leave the word unexamined. Like all dirty words, it has power even when misused. Like all dirty words, sometimes the more you draw attention to it, the dirtier it gets.
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The quintessential image of home, holiness, and Jewish motherhood is that of a woman blessing the Shabbat candles, performing a ritual we assume has existed since time immemorial. But this assumption is wrong. In fact, it was only nine hundred years ago that, after much debate, lighting the Shabbat lamp came to be defined as a mitzvah—one with its own unique blessing, one that Jewish women took upon themselves.
Because there is no such commandment in the Torah, most rabbis before 1000 CE maintained that lighting the Shabbat lamp was not a mitzvah; it was merely a task women did because they were home and men were in synagogue on Friday afternoon. It was important only because, unless she lit the lamp before sunset, her family would be forced to sit in the dark. And while the Talmud (Tractate Shabbat) meticulously details what kinds of oil and wicks are best to keep the Shabbat lamp from going out, there is no mention of any special ritual for lighting it.
The great French scholar Rashi (1040-1105) took an opposing view. In his commentary on Tractate Shabbat (page 23b) he stated, “By observing the mitzvot of kindling a lamp on Shabbat and Hanukkah, one brings the light of Torah into the world.” Yet even if a community accepted that lighting the Shabbat lamp was a mitzvah, should a blessing accompany it? And if so, which one? There is no such blessing mentioned in the Talmud and halakha forbids any non-Talmudic blessings. Because of this, medieval Sephardic women lit their Shabbat lamps in silence.
However during the eleventh century, Ashkenazic women had greater religious status and autonomy than those in Sefarad, so much so that they began to fulfill those mitzvot that only men were obligated to perform, such as blowing shofar, and wearing tefillin and tzitzit. According to Machzor Vitry, a compendium of laws and customs collected by Rashi’s students, women took these commandments upon themselves and recited the blessings as well, in the same way that women today have taken on traditionally male mitzvot, instituted new rituals like Bat Mitzvah, and become rabbis and cantors.
Rashi clearly held that kindling the Shabbat lamp was a mitzvah, one that women, as well as men, were obligated to perform. Thus it seems logical that, if women made a blessing when they performed mitzvot from which they were exempt, surely they must recite a blessing if they perform a mitzvah for which they are obligated. Indeed, Rashi’s grandson, Rabbeinu Tam, declared that lighting the Shabbat lamp required a blessing.
But creating a new blessing is prohibited, so what prayer should be said? The solution was to take the blessing for lighting the Hanukkah menorah, which was in the Talmud, and substitute “Shabbat” for “Hanukkah.” As astonishing as it may seem, the Hanukkah blessing is the original one, a thousand years older than the Shabbat blessing, its derivative.
We know of this new blessing because we have a responsum by Rashi’s granddaughter, Hannah, describing the ritual her mother performed. She explained that in Rashi’s house, the woman first lit the Shabbat lamp and then recited the benediction, whose words are the same ones we say today. Rabbeinu Tam’s decision and his sister Hannah’s responsum were so authoritative that within a hundred years, even women in Sefarad were saying this blessing when they kindled Shabbat lights. Maimonides complained about it but admitted that he couldn’t prevent women from doing so.
Today, when women (and men) light Shabbat candles, they never imagine that the ritual doesn’t come from Sinai, that the blessing was once a source of controversy. And who knows? Maybe nine hundred years in the future Jews will assume that girls have always had a Bat Mitzvah, that women have always studied Talmud, and that there have always been female rabbis.
As I walked in the door from a long day at work, I started receiving calls and emails from friends about something that my husband Jason had posted on Facebook. …I had no idea what they were talking about.
I logged in to Facebook to see a picture of our Ketubah and the following written by Jason:
“Fifteen years ago, my bride-to-be and I were considering texts to use for our Ketubah, Jewish marriage contract. We selected a text co-authored by Rabbi Joel Schwab, and reproduced in Anita Diamant’s The New Jewish Wedding, because it married (ha ha!) the traditional text with modern commitments that emphasized the values of equality and partnership that Elissa and I both held dear. The text, as you will notice, is very long – because it adds to the millennia-old formulation without subtracting anything.
“But despite its length, there’s something missing. Our Ketubah does not include the Lieberman clause, a modern addition to the Ketubah that has been the standard for decades in the Conservative movement. The clause protects a woman from becoming an agunah, or “chained woman” – civilly divorced but unable to remarry because of her husband’s refusal to give her a get, divorce decree. Why don’t we have this clause? I recall not wanting to include it because civil courts were increasingly refusing to enforce it, citing church and state issues. Lis remembers it differently: I said I didn’t want it because we didn’t need it. Because I would never refuse to give her a get if we ever got divorced.
“The very fact that Lis and I remember this in different ways highlights the error of our ways. Without putting it in writing, who knows what was said? With no written agreement, Lis has no assurance of my good intentions, and no protection if those good intentions suddenly evaporate. Of course we love each other, and of course I would never refuse to give her a get. But if I believe this so fervently, I have nothing to lose by putting it in writing.
“That is why I was honored to take part in an event on Sunday June 29 that allowed us to rectify this nearly fifteen-year wrong. It was a Post-Nup Party! Elissa and I joined with many other couples in signing a post-nuptial agreement that ratifies our commitment to and respect for each other. In the event of a divorce, we agree to have our divorce adjudicated by a Beit Din, religious court, and to follow its rulings, including the delivery of a get. The agreement also imposes stiff financial penalties on me for every day following our civil divorce that I do not deliver a get. It is signed, notarized, and fully enforceable in civil court, and it gives tangible meaning to my good intentions.
“I am so privileged to be married to someone who, in her tireless work for JCADA, the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, has done so much to help all victims of domestic abuse – including those victimized by the abhorrent crime of trying to control your ex-wife’s behavior by refusing to grant her a get.
“If you are a Jewish couple and you don’t already have a strong pre- or post-nup (and even if your Ketubah has the Lieberman clause), I strongly encourage you to visit the Beit Din of America’s website to learn more about it, and hopefully sign your own post-nup! This should become the standard that is expected of all Jewish couples as a pre-condition for marriage.”
I have a husband on a new mission…he is planning the next post-nup party! Thank you Chani and Steve Laufer for hosting the event and for giving us the opportunity to sign a post-nup and empowering us to make a difference!