If there are any buyers out there, I have a couple of Jews for sale. Frankly, they’ve worn out their welcome and I don’t really have any use for them anymore. We’re selling on the cheap, so it could be a good investment!
1) Dr. Laura: Okay. I know what you’re thinking. Why would anyone want to buy Dr. Laura after her rant on her radio show this week repeatedly screaming the n-word? But hear me out. The people have a short memory. In a couple weeks, no one will even remember this story. Plus, we’re selling for cheap. Just give me a couple of baseball cards and a Starbucks gift card, and we got a deal.
2) Roman Polanski: Yeah, he might have been freed from his Swiss jail but that doesn’t mean he is welcome at my shul this high holidays. We’re willing to give up credit for his great films. I think that deal is a steal.
3) Orly Taitz: This one was a tough call. Because next time I’m in Southern California and new an emergency root canal, I wouldn’t be able to call my dentist, and queen of the birther movement, Orly Taitz. If anyone from Kenya is willing to buy her, you get 10% off.
4) Jonah Goldberg: This conservative writer annoys the hell out of me. And who honestly writes a book called Liberal Fascism? You’re a jerk and no one likes you (yes, I’m throwing out petty, 5 year old insults). But on the bright side, you’d still get to hang out with your girl Orly Taitz.
5) Pauly Shore: Still haven’t gotten over Bio-Dome. Sorry buddy.