Bad Poetry Contest–Harry Potter Edition

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As you’ve (hopefully) heard by now, MJL is running a Bad Poetry Contest–where you get the opportunity to submit your worst poetry (or in my case, my best), with great prizes to be had. But you all may have some competition. Heeb Magazine is reporting that everyone’s favorite British Jew (No, not Benjamin Disraeli), Harry Potter, otherwise known as Daniel Radcliffe, submitted some pretty terrible poetry to Rubbish Magazine a couple years ago. He did so under the very Jewish name of Jacob Gershon.

Here is a reprint of one of his poems (beware of some language):

Daniel_Radcliffe.jpg Beside these verdurous and wind-blown fronds
I lie with two long-legged, glistening blondes.
The wisps of comb-over that I call hair
Are slowly bleaching in the sunlit air
That’s also turning orange the skin I wear.
The wife thinks I’m on some dull business trip!
‘Poor b****,’ I think and take another sip
Of sweet champagne with no hint of remorse.
I mean why would you bother with divorce?
It’s so much easier to slip away
And put a week aside so you can play
Without the chance of ever getting caught
And leaving her and Robert so distraught
That they would never speak to me again.
What is the point in causing all that pain?
It’s better to protect your son and wife
And casually build up a secret life…
Soon they will want their money and I’ll pay,
Oh, but who cares? I make five grand a day!
My buzzing phone reminds me of this trick,
I tell her I’m busy, my God she’s thick.
She always just accepts, never inquires.
Which is just what I want with my desires,
To sweep off suddenly Overseas
And **** whoever I bloody well please.
In every port a new exotic squeeze
And I mean it when I say exotic,
My carnal exploits have been quite quixotic!…
No doubt I’d be incapable of saying it,
But I don’t mind if there’s no trouble paying it.
Too soon I’ll go back to my family
And enter through the door and there will see
The trusting faces of my wife and child
Whom, without their knowledge, I have defiled
With hookers and lies and sordid relationships
On various and frequent business trips.
My wife sweetly smiles and her eyes seem glad
My son gives me a hug and says: ‘I’ve missed you, dad.’

We shouldn’t actually make fun of the guy though. It turns out he is a pretty big mensch. As Matthue just showed me, at the New York premiere of the newest film, Radcliffe did a pretty decent job of ignoring big name reporters so he could focus on his interview with 12-year-old Danielle, a reporter from Scholastic. You must read it. It’s pretty awesome.

Posted on July 15, 2009

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