“My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah they had a menorah on a dimmer.”
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
“Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I wear a scent called ‘new-car interior.'”
“Fortunately, my parents were intelligent, enlightened people. They accepted me exactly for what I was: a punishment from God.”
“My grandfather always said, ‘Don’t watch your money; watch your health.’ So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. It was my grandfather.”
“My dad called me up the other night, very excited. He said, ‘Jonathan, when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don’t have to turn on the light, the light goes on automatically. When I’m done, the light goes off automatically.’ I said, ‘Dad, you’re peeing in the fridge, and it’s got to stop.'”
“I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time?”
“I went up to Jackie Kennedy at a party and figured I’d try to break the ice by getting a little conversation going. So I said, ‘Do you remember where you were and what you were doing when you heard that Kennedy was shot?'”
Pronounced: KHAH-nuh-kah, also ha-new-KAH, an eight-day festival commemorating the Maccabees’ victory over the Greeks and subsequent rededication of the temple. Falls in the Hebrew month of Kislev, which usually corresponds with December.
Pronounced: muh-NOHR-uh, Origin: Hebrew, a lamp or candelabra, often used to refer to the Hanukkah menorah, or Hanukkiah.